Why?

This question has been haunting me for some time now.  Why do I do photography?  What about this medium that inspires this strong drive and passion?  And in digging deep to answer this very basic question some odd and shocking revelations surfaced.  I realized digital photography, which is the medium I’ve been working with for close to ten years, not only bores me but it leaves me feeling empty and yearning for more.  Digital photography has become the norm, it’s a way of life for so many successful and aspiring photographers.  It’s the obvious and logical way to pursue photography as an art outlet in today’s media driven world.

But that didn’t jive for me.  It didn’t fulfill my creative aspirations.  I have followed the trend for the wrong reasons.  I got stuck in the world of social media and forums and caved into the voice of public opinion.  Until I asked my self: why am I doing this?  Why do I feel the need to please the public or gain recognition by following the pack?  Is that why I do photography?  And the answer was so obvious it hurt bad when it slapped me across the face.

I begun to analyze what drove me to photography in the first place and what part of it I really loved.  And by default what I don’t like about it.  And while I could ramble on about what that is I think George Slade in his forward to Susan Burnstine’s book “Within Shadows” pretty much nailed it for me: “With the available technology on both the making and receiving ends, a contemporary photograph never needs to materialize as a print.  Yet, through social media and countless web sites it is likely to be seen by thousands more people then ever would have seen it in physical form.  Increasingly, the print is seen, if at all, as a secondary to the expeditiously “messaged” and up- and downloaded image.  Lit from within, but invisible when the lights go out”.

Hmmm… “invisible when the lights go out”.  That bugs me!  I don’t want to create something that is going to be converted into a sequence of zeros and ones, glanced over and forgotten.  A binary code vomit is not a representation of what photography is for me.  And that is what has had me feeling empty and unsatisfied all these years with digital photography.  I don’t print my images, I process them and put them on a website or social media forum.  I, sometimes, process an image and send to a printer to do the job for me to send to a client.  But that takes away the critical part of what made it special for me.  I loved the darkroom experience.  It’s where I fell in love with photography.  It’s by finding out how it worked,  the magic of light and silver that I truly understood its beauty.  The physics and chemistry of making something tangible and real.  The precise and controlled manipulation of my tools, chemistry and the power of my brain and physical ability was the culmination of fully creating something.

So I got rid of my digital set up and switched back to film.  And this is definitely not a post about film vs. digital.  I believe that comparison is similar to witnessing an argument between Monet and VanGogh about what’s better a brush or palette knife.  It’s not about the tool, rather about which of the available tools gives me the most satisfaction in creating my work.   It’s about making it fun!  Working with my body and mind, using all of my God-given tools to create something.  And the only purpose and driving force is my enjoyment.  I can make something, hold it in my hands and love it.  It’s tangible and it doesn’t disappear into the black hole of the “Sim City”-like hyper space when the power is turned off.  It’s mine to look at and love in the most selfish way.  And there is nothing wrong with that.  If I cannot create art for my own pleasure and satisfaction then what I create will never please anyone else.  Art is, in it’s deepest core about satisfying my own needs, all else is secondary.  If I were to put the public good or financial reasons as my primary goal for creating I would be cheating myself and everyone else of its purpose, not to mention failing miserably.

The image below is a scan of lith print I have made a few weeks ago.  I have captured the image on Hasselblad 501CM camera with black and white negative film, which I have developed in my bathroom.  I later enlarged the negative in the darkroom and printed it on Fomatone MG Classic Warm Tone using lith developer.  This developer gives images a warm tone which is quite pleasing for an image like this.  The image was further split-toned in selenium and gold to give the shadows a cool blue tone. Yet, none of that can be truly understood by glancing at pixelated LCD monitor.  To appreciated a print is to hold it in one’s hands and see the tonal variations and unique character of the paper, developer and toner.

I love the glorious imperfection and unpredictability of lith printing.  It’s like opening a gift at Christmas under a red light.  You watch for the silver crystals to grow and literally infect the crystals around them causing a chain reaction.  The magic of it happens in front of your eyes and you feel privileged and blessed to be witnessing it happen.  Almost as if you were witnessing something that is not meant to be seen.  This is what it’s about for me.  Glancing at the moment of something coming out of nothing, the secret of creation.  Not megapixels but crystals, light and chemistry.  So basic yet so profound.  Probably nothing else will ever compare to this feeling for me.  And I doubt I will ever go back to digital.  Not after this bud has been re-planted in my heart.

“That’s what it’s about. It’s those moments. When you can feel the perfection of creation. The beauty, the physics, you know, the wonder of mathematics.  The elation of action and reaction.  And that is the kind of perfection that I want to be connected to.”  Sam Anders

Amusement Parks, Part 2

A few weeks ago I got a chance to spend some time with my family in New Jersey.  During that time I had planned a few outings to do some photography around New York and some of my favorite stomping grounds.  One of my all time favorite place to return is the famous Coney Island in Brooklyn, New York.  And ever since I had such a great time photographing the Lakeside Amusement Park in Denver I’ve wanted to come back to Coney Island and have some fun with my Holga toy camera.  I guess this amusement parks thing has turned into a little bit of a project or theme.

Below are three of my favorites from that adventure.  I have been playing around with double exposures and I am very surprised these came out so well since there is nothing predictable or controllable when using a Holga.  So usually I’m happy with at least one that comes out pretty cool looking but having three of them to work out in a similar fashion was pretty exciting.

If you would like to see the rest of my Coney Island series along with the previous amusement park images you can view them in the  Holga Dreams Gallery.

Best of 2011

Every year I see these posts popping up all over the social media sites and have found it a little copy cat-ish and trendy and tried to stay away from it.  But after giving it a little more thought I realized that there might be a benefit in doing a crtical review of my work from the past twelve months and summarizing for myself what worked and what didn’t.  And granted most of the time what I like about my photographs is completely different from what critics and general public think.  So maybe it’s just an exercise in futility or a complete waste of time.  But I’ll play along anyway…

So here is a collection of top twelve (ten was pretty much impossible…) of my images according to me:

12.  I’ll start it off with one of my favorite images captured with Holga camera and infrared film.  It was my farewell night to Denver.  My friend and I took our toy cameras with a bunch of film and went looking for some fun and inspiration.  Surprisingly (to me at least) this collection of images has become pretty popular and I might expand on it and continue the amusement park theme later this month when I visit New York and my favorite Coney Island.

11.  Somehow this year I switched my focus from being “landscape obsessed” to being more aware of the small details and the less obvious beauty of nature.  Yet it’s still hard to drive around Grand Teton National Park and not be impressed by the grandeur of this mountain range.  And one of the themes that has dominated this fall for me photographically was fog and steam so that is what makes this image special for me.  I loved watching how the fog moved around the trees as the morning sun burned through it. What made this morning even more special was the complete lack of people/other photogs around me and hearing the haunting sound of bugling Elk and howling Coyotes just a few yards away.  Somehow sound enhances memories and this one will stay with me forever.

10.  As I said, this past year has been a year of finding beauty in the finer details.  The morning this following image was captured I was driving to a sunrise location at Yellowstone National Park that was planned ahead of time.  However, as I was driving through a steam and fog covered dead tree forest any plan I might have had in my head was out the door.  This was the enchanted forest I would spend the next 4 hours in shooting anything from trees to spiderwebs and dew.  Probably the most fun and memorable morning of shooting I have ever had.

9.  I spend most of my summer working in North Dakota.  Being a mountain person I didn’t have high hopes for photographic opportunities.  However I made it a point to make the best of it and grab my camera and take at least one image each day.  As you can imagine, I came away with a lot of images.  And a lot of them were some of my favorites.  I think this was the exercise in discipline that brought me onto the path of finding beauty in the unexpected places.  In the process I fell in love with the Northern Plains and the various landscapes there.  There were fields of wheat changing colors followed by harvest, abandoned ghost town-like buildings and vast expanses of prairie and sky filled with some of the most spectacular clouds and storms I have ever seen.

8.  Speaking of ghost towns… I am fortunate to have one of the finest and best preserved ghost town within a few hours from where I live.  Bannack Ghost Town is by far the coolest place I have ever photographed.  And the surprising thing to me was not the exterior of the buildings that intrigued me, it was what was inside each one of them.  I felt like I was walking through history and was transported into a saloon or a school house and imagine the hustle and bustle of each place during the peak of the mining activity here.  This place has a way of speaking to you if you slow down and listen.

7.  This past fall has also been a season of some disappointments.  I had a near miss driving in a bad storm through Yellowstone and had to alter my plans.  The accident and closed roads put me in a bad mood which put a damper on creativity.  I ended up exploring some areas of southeastern Idaho trying to get myself out of the cranky funk I was in.  It didn’t work very well but I still walked away with one of my favorite images.

6.  Here is another of my favorites I captured while discovering the beauty of North Dakota.  It was one of those moments right before a summer storm moved through and the sun was still peaking to the east casting a spot light on these silos.  By the way, now I have an unhealthy obsession with silos and I go around hunting for them.

5.  As I mentioned landscape images have kind of lost much of their intrigue to me this year.  I’m still hoping it’s a temporary thing and I’ll get back into it once I have time to backpack and hit the mountains a little more.  But one of my favorite places will always be Grand Teton National Park in winter.  This is image was captured back in February and there is something magical about these mountains in winter.  You could completely miss them as they could be shrouded in clouds for your entire visit.  But when the storm clears it will take your breath away.

4.  “If these walls could talk” is a pretty common saying.  When I was at Bannack Ghost Town and I found this old barber chair my thought was all about the stories this chair could tell.  It is located inside a saloon right next to a window looking on to the main road.  It probably had a prime view of all the going-ons, fights and rumors in this gold rush town.  When I saw it my mind begun to race and wonder about all those movies and tv shows I have seen about those days.  Deadwood was on top of that list.  Apparently Calamity Jane was a one time resident.

3.  One of my all time biggest phobias is insects.  It might be because I am deathly allergic to so many of them.  But I make it a point to avoid them as much as I can.  Apparently this year was the year I would begin to get over that a little bit.  I snapped this image of the dragonfly on one of my “mandatory” days of shooting in North Dakota.  The sun was setting and I just run out into the field to capture some details of the golden wheat fields around.  I noticed the bug I shot a quick shot of it and prayed to God this thing wouldn’t go nuts and fly into my face!  After which I run back inside and felt the need to wash everything on me.  Who would have thought that this would be one of my favorite images from this year.  I still have some reservation about printing it big but it’s a start

2. The final two images I am a little torn as to which order they should be.  I think I love them both equally.  That is probably because they were both captured on that amazing morning in Yellowstone surrounded by dead trees, steam and spiderwebs.  There was something magical about the mood that morning and having the entire place to myself made it that much sweeter.

1.  I think I am getting closer to printing this one large despite the spiderwebs and hang it over my couch.  This image screams Halloween to me and I love it!

Well, that was more fun then I expected.  Just going through my memories of each of these images made them feel that much more special.  I think it was a valuable retrospective of this past year.  I had some great times and I look forward to this year and what it might have in store for me.  I hope everyone has a healthy, happy and prosperous 2012.  And if you do creative work I hope that this new year is going to be a year of growth as an artist.

“It’s in the act of making things that we figure out who we are”

It’s been quite a while since I last wrote something here.  I guess I have been in one of those “growing as an artist” stage… or maybe I just had a mental block and nothing interesting to say.

In any case I had a spontaneous urge to put some words on paper.  And in fact I have put words, sketches and doodles on paper.  I have had a lot of free time lately and felt like something was missing.  I had an urge to work with my hands, as in create something that did not involve an electronic device like a camera or computer keyboard.  So I went on a dig through my garage to find my old sketch book and box of my old pencils and art supplies.  No luck, they somehow got lost in one of my (too many to count) moves.  So off to an art store to restock.  After spending over $100 on art supplies I felt inspired.  In a matter of 24 hours I had three completed sketches and few pages of quotes, thoughts, dreams and random ramblings occupying beautiful white pages.  So this blog actually did start on paper with a pencil, the old school way.  You have no idea how difficult it is to get back to writing by hand when all you’re used to is a keyboard.  It felt so foreign and slow.  But by being foreign and slow it was that much more thrilling.  I was transformed into another world, a slow and steady world, one line at a time.  It was thrilling and therapeutic all in one.

Ever since graduating from college and getting buried in my “career” I have had plans to get back to my sketch book and drawing.  Nothing too ambitious, no canvas and oils, just a simple act of a pencil line on a while piece of paper.  But life happens and you make excuses and things like sketch books get lost in garages and boxes over multiple moves.  But this time, there was more to it.  I have recently moved to a new town, started a new job and felt like my life was completely out of control and I needed a way to ground it.  I needed to find ME.

I am not saying I have found ME with a few pages of doodles.  But it is certainly helping.  And the simple act of a single sketch or a written word is the “one step at a time” that maybe I needed.  And none of my sketches are gallery worthy but I find there is incredible value in that part of creative process.  Besides the obvious slow down of the act of making something, slowed thought process and brain function; there is the act of composing something on paper.  Of simply creating and working with your hands.  And even if it isn’t good, it’s never a reason to stop.  As I have learned in North Dakota, discipline is a big part of creating art and improving your skill.  And if I stick with my sketch book I will get better and it will no doubt improve my photography.

Lately I have been trying to stay away from online forums, social media outlets, etc to take a break from it.  I felt I was getting bombarded with too much mundane “crap” that my brain needed a time out.  I am not saying that every image on the internet is crap but there is so much of it that it’s really difficult to filter out good from bad.  And after some time it’s impossible to even tell what’s good or bad.  Forums have a way to pressure you into thinking something is good simply because the group likes the photographer. But I find that there is just a lot of the same.  And I needed a break.  A form of internet celibacy.  My urge to draw and work with my hands was born of that internet celibacy.  My mind was free to create without being contaminated with the never ending stream of “the same-ness”. And I was creating without comparing my work with any other reference point on the internet. My only comparison was a collection of art history books on my bedroom floor (gotta go out there and get myself a book case one of these days).

My internet celibacy ended a few days ago, although I think I liked it too much and it might get reinstated pretty soon.  But during my brief re-visit on the world wide web I have found a fascinating blog by Austin Kleon titled “How To Steal Like An Artist”and it has completely confirmed what I have been feeling for the last few weeks but in a much more organized and concise way (go figure…). It was one of those reads that makes you want to scream a passionate “YES” after each paragraph. As someone having a background in fine art and painting I always felt there was a big benefit in not just studying the work of other photographers but other artists. And not just their work but their lives. Van Gogh’s life was so incredibly tragic and sad yet his paintings are a so full of life and happiness. Art comes from the soul and he’s a prime example of that. One of Austin’s genius points was that all creative ideas are basically recycled from other ideas. Which doesn’t mean go out there and copy Ansel (who hasn’t?). What Austin is making very clear is study all art and figure out what works for you and make it your own. And create with your entire body and soul. Art is an all consuming activity and I think photography (at least landscape photography) is an easy way to engage your entire body in the process to some extent. However a big part of that activity is turned off once the image has been digitally captured. It becomes a stationary activity once the processing starts. I think that’s one of the reasons I still feel so strongly about developing my own film and printing my own images in the darkroom. It requires one to be physically involved in the process of creating. And it makes the creation that much more rewarding. Feeling exhausted after a day in the darkroom is exhilarating, just as being sore after a midnight hike to capture that sunrise is.

I feel the art of creation is therefore a little lost in the world of photography. We get so side-tracked by the technical aspects of a photograph, anything from the gear we use, f-stops to the processing software. Art is not about that, creativity is not about megapixels. It’s about making something. All else comes second. And sometimes we need to separate ourselves from the world of never ending feeds and status updates to rediscover that idea and wake up that passion that was in us all along but somehow got lost in the shuffle of everyday life.

Here’s to having a terrible photo shoot!

Since my work requires me to be available to take off on a day’s notice, the few days I can predict to have off I tend to take full advantage of.  So today I decided to take a quick trip to Bannack Ghost Town near Dillon, Montana.  I’ve heard amazing things about the condition most of the buildings are in and that the photo opportunities are plentiful.  I was also told that it gets very few visitors which is something I look for in a photo location.  Well, this should come as no surprise that I arrived to a full parking lot and there were masses of tourists everywhere!  Kind of a buzz-kill when you’re trying to get inspired.  Which I didn’t feel the entire time I was there.  I had to fight my way into buildings and wait for people to get out of my shot.  So the effort was half-fast and I was understandably frustrated.  Not the best attitude for creativity.  So I did my up and down the main road, snapped some shots and left thinking the long drive wasn’t worth it.

Then I get home and download my images.  I look at them and realize these are some of my favorite images to date!  No kidding, I would open a file in Light Room and my jaw would drop!  If you’re a photographer you know how rarely you get that feeling and how gratifying it is.  And to get that feeling shot after shot is freakishly rare.  Especially when up until few minutes earlier I was utterly disappointed with a wasted day!  And I’m not tooting my own horn here because I’ve found out a while ago that what tickles me as far as images is not something that others’ appreciate.  So for all I know I am the only person who loves them but I honestly don’t care.  To get a feeling like that is a gift in itself and a validation for why I do what I do and a reason to keep going back for more.

So here you go, a look at what tickles me.  If you like it great, if not… you’re following the wrong blog

Fading Into Itself

Glimpse Into the Past

Let Me Tell You a Story

Open For Business

Pew Detail

Pew Detail 2

Pew Detail 3

Aisle

Rusty Cans

Weekly... Efficiency... Marvels...

Drafty

Rushed Exit

Yellow and Blue

Recess

School Desk Detail

Dreaming of Summer

Beartooth Mountains Backpacking Trip

I’m not good at writing detailed trip reports so I’ll keep it short and sweet.  Plus I think it kind of takes away from the photography if I “give it all away” and go into extended details of our harrowing and epic adventure to capture this priceless images… (sarcasm for those who don’t know me).

We didn’t get to wrestle Grizzlies or catch our food with bare hands or eat rotting carcasses to survive.  The only wildlife we saw was a freaked out deer that nearly run into me only to almost run into Jesse about 100 feet later.  And the insane number of overly hungry mosquitos which fed extensively on us and nearly drove us mad.  We did see people a few times, it’s really not that remote of an area but not nearly as much of a highway the way some other trails out there are.  Especially during peak wildflower season.  Which we were still fairly early for, yeay for high altitude summer!  We camped in the back country for two nights but managed to set up camp three different times.  If you’re a photographer and you find a much nicer campsite while just exploring around you go back, pack your original camp and move it over no matter how tired you are or how much further it is.  And oh boy was it a better campsite!  Not that the first one was bad, there is no such thing as a bad campsite on the high tundra of the Beartooths.  It’s even nicer when the full moon lights up the landscape around you to a point that head lamps are not necessary making the nights a much needed relief from the relentless mosquitos.

Anyway, there were a number of miss-adventures and funny stories that we’ll remember for the rest of our lives and laugh about but here is the good stuff or at least a few of my faves.

Enjoy

Lupine Island

Lupine Island 2

Unnamed Valley

Enjoying the View

Hard and Soft

Hanging out at our campsite

Sunset Reflection

Sunset Reflection 2

Sunset Reflection 3

Heaven and Earth

Monet's Garden

Lupines at Sunset

Tundra in Monochrome

Middle Earth

Holga Fun at Lakeside Amusement – Farewell to Denver

Ever since my first trip to Lakeside Amusement Park in Denver I have always dreamed of getting back there to photograph it with a film camera.  The place has a little bit of a grungy and old feeling to it which could be scary at times but it gives the place a tremendous character and incredible potential for some creative photography.

And as my time in Denver area was coming to a close I made it a point to make this dream a reality.  So on a hot Friday night in June my friend Lia and I decided to head over there armed with our plastic Holgas and a few rolls of black and white film.

All of the images below were shot using Efke Aura Infrared 820 film.  I especially like the muted grayish (almost brown in some instances) tone of this film that I thought would suit the subject well.  Which it did, better then I expected.  I have heard that infrared film is difficult to work with due to it’s high light sensitivity, however I found it to be just as easy to work with as regular tri-x and only a few images had some pesky light leaks.

A number of these images were created using in-camera double exposure to give it a little more of the abstract feel.   These were minimally processed as I really enjoy the look of the original grainy film and toy camera with its quirky imperfections.  It is a stretch from my typical landscape images but I had incredibly fun time capturing these and I’m pretty happy with the results.  I hope you enjoy them as well.

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